Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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