I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
