this beer tastes like vomit already
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
