I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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