I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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