I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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