Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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