census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
