just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
