Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Randomize
