yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
