My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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