Can Purell be used as lube?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
