How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
