Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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