you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
