that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
