Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
