Please, let me fuck your mom
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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