This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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