if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
