Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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