3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
