allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
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Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
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After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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