I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
