wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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