Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
