i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
