dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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