I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
