watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
