hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
