I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
