sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
