I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
3pm strippers are depressing
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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