a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Is Oprah even human
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
