Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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