he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
