i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
