I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
