i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
