why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
