You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
