I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
