Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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