Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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