it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
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My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
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He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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