ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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