I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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