last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
