My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
