I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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