Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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